I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to write my very first journal entry. I decided that maybe the best way would be to shatter your brain.



I'd assume that most of the internet at least knows of the term transsexual. I'd like to start out by saying I am not sure I am one.
Transgender is an umbrella term that basically includes anyone who believes that their body does not match up with the gender they themselves believe to be in their mind. While normally we(the collective "normal people") use the terms gender and sex interchangeably, in the trans community (and psychology) they are separate. Sex refers to the physical genitals and what you are "legally" defined as(male or female, typically), while gender refers to what you see yourself as being or should have been (girl or boy, typically).

The term transgender is the broadest term, and while it is sometimes used interchangeably with transsexual they are not the same. Every transsexual is a transgender, but not every transgender is a transsexual.

A Transsexual adheres to the gender binary: that is, female is a girl, male is a boy. While transsexuals don't start out "matching" (hence female to male, male to female) their ultimate goal is to get to that point, normally.

Transgenders don't adhere to the binary in some way. Intersexed, hermaphroditic, or aphrodiatic people fall into the transgender spectrum. They believe that you can be both girl and boy while being some other sex entirely, and everything in between or unmentioned.
But this is just generally speaking. I am not a spokesperson for everyone.

This incredibly long explanation of the trans universe aside, I was born a female. I am currently 22 years old and enlisted into the United States Navy as a female. I have never taken any hormones, never been to a psychologist for my 'gender issues' and am generally lumped in with what is known as "pre-op"s. pre- [sex change] operation.

When I was growing up, all I ever wanted was a flat chest and a hysterectomy. My breasts were never that large and I was frequently teased in school for my "mosquito bites" but I'd always say I was happy and wanted them smaller or taken away.
As soon as I learned about periods and giving birth, I wanted absolutely jack shit to do with that, and wanted a hysterectomy to rid myself of all that crap.

Some time in high school I learned of the term Androgyne. Androgynes is also an umbrella term, and new terms are constantly being developed so this is my current understanding. There are people who believe themselves to be both genders at one time(ambigender), neither gender(nullgender or agender), one gender at a time but switching whenever(genderfluid) and a completely different third gender.

I'm not exactly sure where I fall within that spectrum, so I have always referred to myself as simply androgyne.
When I was in college, I openly identified as such and dressed specifically to confuse people (I believe the word for that now is a genderfuck). I had convinced myself any type of surgery was impossible to achieve because no one would let me get what I wanted- basically a sexless body. I also never believed I'd have the money. Some time later I joined the military, and it was then I realized through massive amounts of 'net surfing and self discovery that, hey wait-- I can get this stuff done, and I will have enough money to do it [eventually].

While all my life I had vehemently complained that I "am not a girl" I never made the jump to "be a man". I'm not entirely sure I'd want a penis, but I definitely dislike my vagina. At some point, someone suggested that maybe I was just an FtM in denial. So I decided I'd drop being specifically ambiguous and shoot for just trying to pass as a guy. It worked, I make a very convincing guy. My self-esteem shot up astronomically, and I've decided that since society will never accept androgynes and I myself still prefer the binary sex and gender system (weird, yes) that 'going male' would be the better option than staying female. I'm told that a lot of androgynes end up 'picking a side' in their lifetimes but who knows if that's true because I've certainly never met an open androgyne in person.

Regardless, this blog is a personal one. Just day to day dumb and probably emo stuff. Things that pretty much any transperson will go through, but with the added bonus/stress/entertainment of me not really being an FtM and my very real risk of being booted out of the military for being "psychologically unfit". Maybe people can help me somehow and my experiences will help other people.

Hopefully I can get into some community or something. I'm hoping to be actively commenting other people's blogs too to get some interaction. Community feel is why I joined this place as opposed to some other.

Thank you for your time and yes, unfortunately most of my entries are going to be this painfully long.
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